Why Talking to Yourself Badly Is the Silent Enemy of Your Mental Health and Happy Days
The Protector-Persecutor Complex
A few years ago I successfully sabotaged myself at an interview for the International Committee of Red Cross.
I passed two tests for a copywriter — a job I’d never done before — and got invited for an interview. Then I panicked. OMG, I didn’t have any practical experience! Also, the kids were too small and I didn’t want another stressful job. It was too big a deal to work for the ICRC and fail. So, I went there determined to blow it.
“I’m not a copywriter, I’m a content writer… Do I have to work overtime? I still have small kids… What happens when they get sick? Oh, I can’t go to Switzerland for two weeks for training… It doesn’t matter how big the pay is, I just wanted to see if I’m good enough for you... You know, I don’t generally apply for vacancies.”
And I made it. In the middle of the interview, my potential boss was already looking outside the window.
Maybe I wasn’t skilled enough for the job but I didn’t let the interviewer decide that for me. She might have given me a chance if I’d shown some eagerness to join the team.
Looking back, I’m not sorry I didn’t get it. It would have been too stressful and hard for me back then. But I still don’t like how much I was scared of a great opportunity. And it has a lot to do with how I see and talk to myself.
Talking to yourself badly is rooted in the protector-persecutor complex
You don’t solve bad thinking if you replace:
I’m such a loser!
with:
OK, I’m not good at this. Better not try it so I don’t ruin something or get hurt.
The rational explanation “I’m not good at this” is fine. But it immediately degenerates into a fear-based myth “Better not try it so I don’t ruin something.”
What exactly will explode? The building? My self-respect? Why don’t I try it?
With such negative self-talk, I don’t believe in my abilities completely. My poor self-confidence creates more stress and I can’t grab new opportunities. Also, it damages my relationships. In a nutshell, I can’t make positive changes in my life because of my protector-persecutor complex.
Negative self-talk isn’t only a matter of living too small. Psychologist Elaine Aron claims that you can find the protector-persecutor complex at the root of depression and anxiety. And it isn’t caused by genetics but by your early life experience. With its “never again” attitude, this kind of defense wants to protect you from feeling your early childhood trauma again.
The trauma happened in the first two years of your life and is usually connected to your mother: She either abandoned you, drank too much, was depressed, or somehow unresponsive to your needs and this created a deep psychological wound in you. In my case, I guess I was too sensitive and didn’t get enough help with my big feelings.
When the trauma happened, your mind activated the negative mechanism to save you from further harm. You started to think it was all your fault.
Now when you’re much older, it still doesn’t let you grow further or get close to others. And it still tries to protect you from rejection or pain.
Still, you can do something about it.
How to solve the negative self-talk
There are no quick fixes here. Even so, you can overcome the complex over time with a good therapist. Also, you need to start with deep self-compassion.
I’m trying to have more understanding towards my vulnerable side and to talk to myself as if I were talking with my best friend:
It’s OK to be nervous because it’s new and you don’t know how it will end. If you fail, it says nothing about you. If you try, you’re opening a new door and the world is giving you more opportunities. Great job for trying to do what you wouldn’t have done before!
Highly sensitive people often have a protector-persecutor complex. And although their sensitivity is a matter of genetics, Aron suggests several things to overcome the complex, especially when depressed.
She believes that you need to approach your childhood trauma on three levels:
1. Transcendental or spiritual approach to a wound
Elaine Aron has been doing Transcendental Meditation twice a day for decades. It helps you to avoid distracting thoughts and to improve the state of relaxed awareness.
As an alternative, Aron suggests the Christian Centering Prayer so you can become more deeply united with the divine.
2. Strong social connections for mental power
No matter how much of an introvert you are, you still need other people. Call them, go for a walk together, or buy them a book they’ll love. Do something you know they will like and show them you care.
3. Deep inner work connected to symptoms, dreams, and complexes
Become more aware of your conscious and subconscious parts. What are you scared of most? What are your dreams trying to tell you? Do you have a complex about how you look or how much you earn? What’s the hidden message behind them? Although the process of discovery takes time and effort, this is where most healing happens.
Use your talent (whatever it is) to get into the flow and move away from negative thinking. Write, draw, dance, or bake. Or help someone else with what you know.
What talking to oneself badly does to a highly sensitive person
Italian author Federica Bosco describes the protector-persecutor complex in her book Mi dicevano che ero troppo sensibile (2018) (They Told Me I Was Too Sensitive):
“It will make you postpone important talks to avoid the danger of being hurt, it advises you not to get out with anyone because you don’t want to be abandoned that way or, what’s worse, it will make you get into a toxic relationship like the one you had in your family or in the past because it sees it as familiar and, as such, less dangerous.
But if you recognize the voice of the persecutor, you are already making progress.
If you start a romantic relationship, does the voice try to say that your partner isn’t loyal like the previous one wasn’t? And then you get mad. Do you avoid intimacy at all costs? Or maybe you stay away from conflicts, so you never defend your attitude. Finally, maybe you sabotage yourself at a job interview because you think you aren’t good enough for the position.
Maybe you’re always calm and composed because you can’t open up to a strong emotion. So you act as if you’re invulnerable, trust no one, and feel hopeless. What are you left with then?
(The protector-persecutor complex) tries to protect us, to protect the innocent but it does so by paralyzing him, by eliminating his happiness and joy, by taking his life away.
Although it will try to do everything to prevent you from going through uncomfortable events, the persecutor is dumb. You have to let your emotions and traumas from the past show up and accept your losses and rejections. The more you work them out, the freer you’ll be.
And that’s why you need therapy and constant dialogue with your inner child. No one’s going to hurt you that bad now.
Cry together with the innocent and explain to him that everything’s fine now, that you’ll protect and love him forever.
What you gain when you get rid of the complex
Canadian physician Gabor Mate has spent his career focusing on childhood development and trauma. As a Jewish baby in Nazi-occupied Hungary during WW2, Maté was a victim of trauma himself when his mother gave him to a stranger for five weeks hoping to save him from the Holocaust.
He claims the incident influenced him so deeply that after the reunion, he didn’t want to look into his mother’s eyes for days. Also, Maté’s trauma of “abandonment, rage, and despair” has been showing up decades later whenever he feels he’s abandoned by his wife, even for minor reasons.
The longer he deals with the trauma, the more he sees how much inner work he still needs to do. But although frustrating, the healing process is pretty rewarding:
“What is to be gained? To begin with, freedom from self-limiting beliefs. That’s the bubble to be burst. Many people carry a vindictive, harshly self-judging voice in their heads, a voice that evokes shame every time it speaks (…) Understanding its origins allows us to come to terms with it, even to make peace with it.
And better deal with that brutal inner voice from childhood. Otherwise, it will cause further harm.
The belief that “there is something wrong with me” is easier to bear than the awareness that my parents may not know how to accept me, see me. For if it’s my “fault,” perhaps if I work hard enough, I can make it OK. One may then become a workaholic physician, for example, trying to prove his worth in the world, thus passing his trauma onto his children. — Source
The protector-persecutor complex we acquired in early childhood conditions our adult lives: How we live and what we do. It determines the quality of our relationships, our ambition (be it too great or too modest), our success, and our overall view of life.
As Gabor Maté says, you are scared to feel, so you live in that “bubble” all your life, thinking you are safe from the pain. But if you step out, the pain will never be as powerful as when you felt it for the first time, as a helpless kid.
To face the pain is worth it.
What to say to yourself when you’re feeling bad
When I’m anxious, I look at myself in the mirror and use one of these three strategies:
Compliment yourself
Choose something all people long to hear. Something that will lift you immediately. You can’t go wrong if you say:
“You’re pretty.”
Use your sense of humor. Make yourself laugh
Laughter takes the edge off your discomfort. It makes “awful” feel “tolerable”. If you like dark humor, use it for a greater effect. Try this:
“You look as if you’d shat yourself.”
Comfort to your inner child
Be so kind to yourself as if you were consoling your best friend or a kid that needs protection. Acknowledge their effort:
“You are doing your best and thank you for it. I love you.”
The protector-persecutor complex is a hard nut to crack. But its kernel is delicious as hell.